Grace part 10
Apr. 16th, 2004 04:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aimeeliciousDespite my incredibly crappy mood (which has nothing to do with anyone on LJ, as I adore all my friends) I present to you, finally, the next installment of Grace. R for language, slight angst warning for this chapter. Thanks to everyone who's been reading...hope it was worth the wait. =)
Previous parts here.
Grace, Oz/Xander part 10
----------------------------------------------------
He hated mirrors, and intentionally didn't have any in his apartment. This medicine cabinet reflected back lines of loss and anger embossed in skin too tired to resist, and they made his own face look like a stranger's. Xander leaned heavily on the sink and hung his head. His body felt amazing, the physical release had been powerful, almost a relief in fact. And if he were honest, the rest of him didn't feel too bad either. It just seemed like it *should*, like any second the neurons would start firing again and he'd be overcome with guilt and weirdness.
After cleaning himself off as best he could with some tissues, he put a washcloth under the tap until it was soaked and wrung it out. Back in the bedroom Oz hadn't moved and he looked so...debauched. Xander felt slightly ashamed for enjoying it. He carefully swept the wet cloth over Oz's cock and belly before patting the area dry, pulling up the boxers and leaving the pants undone. No man should sleep in pants, very uncomfortable. He'd come home from slaying many times and just passed out in his jeans only to wake up a few hours later all tangled with them tight around his legs.
Xander stood for a moment, limp cloth forgotten in his hand. Oz's black eye was a strange counterpoint to the look of contentment on his face, his relaxed body splayed out across the bed like a small demi-god waiting to be served. And Xander wanted to do just that, lick the now soft cock in grateful appreciation for bringing him back to life. Since that's what had actually happened here. He couldn't fool himself that it had just been sex, because for him it was never just sex. Nevermind the fact that he couldn't even count on all his available appendages how many years it had been since he'd allowed himself to be intimate with someone else. No, this was bigger than the physical. Bigger for Oz too, who had admitted, albeit in a potentially drug-induced state, to liking Xander. Pretty unbelievable, given the mess he was these days, but he knew Oz wouldn't have said it without real meaning behind the words.
He shook the brooding off. Never, ever be like Angel, that was the mantra. Xander kept repeating it during his quick but thorough shower, and again as he headed for his room to put on a pair of sweatpants and a black t-shirt, one of several he'd brought with him. Spike's influence again, all that black in the wardrobe. He handled the stiffening jeans with distaste. Not that it hadn't been worth it, but yuck.
Finally clean and relatively comfortable, with only some residual shakiness, Xander aimed for the kitchen. Now he was going to have that beer, and finally decide once and for all if he was staying in this strange new world. Should he go back to his numb but secure existence in Ohio? Did he even want to, with all these things stirred up inside of him he thought long gone? The stakes, no pun intended, were pretty high, and he had stopped being a gambler long before the day Sunnydale sank into the earth.
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It was sometime in the wee hours when company wandered into the kitchen.
"Hey," Oz said.
"Hey. How're the ribs?"
Oz rubbed them slightly and winced. "About the same, I guess, but the sleep helped. Paddy still in bed?"
"Haven't seen him." Xander continued to stare at his empty beer bottle with great concentration. He thought maybe this was his fourth. Then again, weren't there six beers in a six-pack? If that were true, then he must have had six, because the carrying box was empty now. He wasn't sure how that had happened when he only meant to have one.
"Xander?"
"What?" He looked up. Whoops. Oz must have been talking, and now he looked kind of peeved. "Sorry," Xander mumbled.
"I said, did you drink the whole six pack?"
"Um, think so. Just trying to figure that out." He lined up the bottles and counted them carefully as Oz watched. "Yep, six bottles. That's a lot."
"It is. So, what we did drove you to drink?" Oz settled himself gingerly into the chair next to Xander's and leaned his elbows on the table.
"No. Well, kinda. I dunno." He signed heavily, his brain feeling kind of fuzzy. He wanted to explain everything to Oz, but he was having trouble remembering exactly what it was he wanted to explain. "Just confused. You said you like me. Why?"
"Because I do."
"No no, not why you *said* you liked me, why you *do* like me."
Oz looked mildly thoughtful. "What's not to like?"
"S'not an answer," Xander said, whining slightly despite his best efforts not to. It was so damn hard to have these conversations with Oz, and the abundance of beer was not helping.
"You have courage. Humor. Strength. Intelligence."
Xander snorted before Oz could continue. They were all a stretch, but intelligent? No one had ever accused him of that before.
"You're messing with me now," he said. "No way you think I'm all those things." He nodded to himself. The Xander he knew and didn't love was not brave or funny or smart. He was a coward who wanted the rest of his life to be simple and easy and most of all painless.
Oz reached over and tilted Xander's head up with his fingers. "I do. I've seen them in you. For years."
Something occurred to Xander then. "You said you've liked me for a long time."
"Yes."
"What about you and Willow? And that band chick, Veronica?"
"Veruca."
"Whatever."
"I liked you then, just wasn't sure about the guy thing."
"But you loved Willow."
"I did, as a friend."
"Seemed like more than friendly to me."
"We were in high school, Xander."
"Well, I knew who I liked and didn't like then."
Oz just lifted an eyebrow.
"Okay, maybe not so much. But hey, that jealousy thing, breaking up with Willow because we accidentally sort of kissed on purpose, you were mad about her kissing me!"
"I was upset that you kissed her."
"There's a difference?"
"Think about it."
He thought. "So all that crap you put me and Willow through, that was about *me*, not her? God, how could you do that to her? She loved you! And hell, you even came back for her later, although it didn't work and she had to lose you all over again." Xander said, feeling a little frothy at the mouth remembering.
"I came back for you. You wouldn't speak to me. At least, not much."
He tried to remember those few days, when Oz had re-appeared, slinking back into the Scooby circle in much the quiet way he'd entered the first time. No, he hadn't had much to say to the werewolf then. He was still smarting over the way Oz left the first time, and how much Willow had been hurt. Never accuse a Harris of letting go of a grudge.
Suddenly he couldn't stay cooped up here with all these memories and the man who was now trying to re-write them. Xander got up, stumbling slightly but regaining his balance before Oz was even out of the chair.
"M'fine. Just gonna take a walk."
He pulled his jacket off the hook and put it on with jerky motions, aware that it was probably a bad idea to wander around in the dark, but needing to escape. At least this time he'd have the cell phone, just in case. He patted the pocket to be sure, and Oz noticed.
"You have the number?"
"Programmed it earlier, speed dial seven. When I was thinking about staying."
"You're going to stay?" Oz's voice was almost hopeful, and it was so out of character Xander felt even more freaked out. When he saw the hand reaching out for him, he backed up.
"Don't know. Gotta get out of here for a bit."
"I can't leave."
"Didn't want you to come anyway." Xander ignored the fleeting pain he might have seen in Oz's eyes. "I've got a stake and plenty of experience, I'll be okay."
"You've had a lot to drink."
"Not enough, " Xander said, and walked out the back door into the night.
Previous parts here.
Grace, Oz/Xander part 10
----------------------------------------------------
He hated mirrors, and intentionally didn't have any in his apartment. This medicine cabinet reflected back lines of loss and anger embossed in skin too tired to resist, and they made his own face look like a stranger's. Xander leaned heavily on the sink and hung his head. His body felt amazing, the physical release had been powerful, almost a relief in fact. And if he were honest, the rest of him didn't feel too bad either. It just seemed like it *should*, like any second the neurons would start firing again and he'd be overcome with guilt and weirdness.
After cleaning himself off as best he could with some tissues, he put a washcloth under the tap until it was soaked and wrung it out. Back in the bedroom Oz hadn't moved and he looked so...debauched. Xander felt slightly ashamed for enjoying it. He carefully swept the wet cloth over Oz's cock and belly before patting the area dry, pulling up the boxers and leaving the pants undone. No man should sleep in pants, very uncomfortable. He'd come home from slaying many times and just passed out in his jeans only to wake up a few hours later all tangled with them tight around his legs.
Xander stood for a moment, limp cloth forgotten in his hand. Oz's black eye was a strange counterpoint to the look of contentment on his face, his relaxed body splayed out across the bed like a small demi-god waiting to be served. And Xander wanted to do just that, lick the now soft cock in grateful appreciation for bringing him back to life. Since that's what had actually happened here. He couldn't fool himself that it had just been sex, because for him it was never just sex. Nevermind the fact that he couldn't even count on all his available appendages how many years it had been since he'd allowed himself to be intimate with someone else. No, this was bigger than the physical. Bigger for Oz too, who had admitted, albeit in a potentially drug-induced state, to liking Xander. Pretty unbelievable, given the mess he was these days, but he knew Oz wouldn't have said it without real meaning behind the words.
He shook the brooding off. Never, ever be like Angel, that was the mantra. Xander kept repeating it during his quick but thorough shower, and again as he headed for his room to put on a pair of sweatpants and a black t-shirt, one of several he'd brought with him. Spike's influence again, all that black in the wardrobe. He handled the stiffening jeans with distaste. Not that it hadn't been worth it, but yuck.
Finally clean and relatively comfortable, with only some residual shakiness, Xander aimed for the kitchen. Now he was going to have that beer, and finally decide once and for all if he was staying in this strange new world. Should he go back to his numb but secure existence in Ohio? Did he even want to, with all these things stirred up inside of him he thought long gone? The stakes, no pun intended, were pretty high, and he had stopped being a gambler long before the day Sunnydale sank into the earth.
------------------------------------------------------------
It was sometime in the wee hours when company wandered into the kitchen.
"Hey," Oz said.
"Hey. How're the ribs?"
Oz rubbed them slightly and winced. "About the same, I guess, but the sleep helped. Paddy still in bed?"
"Haven't seen him." Xander continued to stare at his empty beer bottle with great concentration. He thought maybe this was his fourth. Then again, weren't there six beers in a six-pack? If that were true, then he must have had six, because the carrying box was empty now. He wasn't sure how that had happened when he only meant to have one.
"Xander?"
"What?" He looked up. Whoops. Oz must have been talking, and now he looked kind of peeved. "Sorry," Xander mumbled.
"I said, did you drink the whole six pack?"
"Um, think so. Just trying to figure that out." He lined up the bottles and counted them carefully as Oz watched. "Yep, six bottles. That's a lot."
"It is. So, what we did drove you to drink?" Oz settled himself gingerly into the chair next to Xander's and leaned his elbows on the table.
"No. Well, kinda. I dunno." He signed heavily, his brain feeling kind of fuzzy. He wanted to explain everything to Oz, but he was having trouble remembering exactly what it was he wanted to explain. "Just confused. You said you like me. Why?"
"Because I do."
"No no, not why you *said* you liked me, why you *do* like me."
Oz looked mildly thoughtful. "What's not to like?"
"S'not an answer," Xander said, whining slightly despite his best efforts not to. It was so damn hard to have these conversations with Oz, and the abundance of beer was not helping.
"You have courage. Humor. Strength. Intelligence."
Xander snorted before Oz could continue. They were all a stretch, but intelligent? No one had ever accused him of that before.
"You're messing with me now," he said. "No way you think I'm all those things." He nodded to himself. The Xander he knew and didn't love was not brave or funny or smart. He was a coward who wanted the rest of his life to be simple and easy and most of all painless.
Oz reached over and tilted Xander's head up with his fingers. "I do. I've seen them in you. For years."
Something occurred to Xander then. "You said you've liked me for a long time."
"Yes."
"What about you and Willow? And that band chick, Veronica?"
"Veruca."
"Whatever."
"I liked you then, just wasn't sure about the guy thing."
"But you loved Willow."
"I did, as a friend."
"Seemed like more than friendly to me."
"We were in high school, Xander."
"Well, I knew who I liked and didn't like then."
Oz just lifted an eyebrow.
"Okay, maybe not so much. But hey, that jealousy thing, breaking up with Willow because we accidentally sort of kissed on purpose, you were mad about her kissing me!"
"I was upset that you kissed her."
"There's a difference?"
"Think about it."
He thought. "So all that crap you put me and Willow through, that was about *me*, not her? God, how could you do that to her? She loved you! And hell, you even came back for her later, although it didn't work and she had to lose you all over again." Xander said, feeling a little frothy at the mouth remembering.
"I came back for you. You wouldn't speak to me. At least, not much."
He tried to remember those few days, when Oz had re-appeared, slinking back into the Scooby circle in much the quiet way he'd entered the first time. No, he hadn't had much to say to the werewolf then. He was still smarting over the way Oz left the first time, and how much Willow had been hurt. Never accuse a Harris of letting go of a grudge.
Suddenly he couldn't stay cooped up here with all these memories and the man who was now trying to re-write them. Xander got up, stumbling slightly but regaining his balance before Oz was even out of the chair.
"M'fine. Just gonna take a walk."
He pulled his jacket off the hook and put it on with jerky motions, aware that it was probably a bad idea to wander around in the dark, but needing to escape. At least this time he'd have the cell phone, just in case. He patted the pocket to be sure, and Oz noticed.
"You have the number?"
"Programmed it earlier, speed dial seven. When I was thinking about staying."
"You're going to stay?" Oz's voice was almost hopeful, and it was so out of character Xander felt even more freaked out. When he saw the hand reaching out for him, he backed up.
"Don't know. Gotta get out of here for a bit."
"I can't leave."
"Didn't want you to come anyway." Xander ignored the fleeting pain he might have seen in Oz's eyes. "I've got a stake and plenty of experience, I'll be okay."
"You've had a lot to drink."
"Not enough, " Xander said, and walked out the back door into the night.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 02:28 pm (UTC)::hugs you and chases crappy mood away::
no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 02:35 pm (UTC)And thanks for the hugs, they are appreciated more than you know.
:: hugs you back ::
no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 02:28 pm (UTC)Amy. What are you doing? Ack! Hurts!
Okay, this chapter was excellent. I just had no idea that we were headed towards such rough terrain. I mean, you hinted, but I thought it'd be more indecisive!Xander, interested!Oz. But now we've got Oz who has a hell of a lot more wrapped up in Xander than I would have guessed, a completely different spin on the history of their relationship that we know from canon (and that Xander knew), and the potential for not only Xander to be jolted and hurt because of this trip, but some possible devastation on Oz's end. Wow. Really sharp.
Can't wait for more.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 02:34 pm (UTC)Thank you for the lovely feedback, as always.
:: hugs ::
no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 08:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 08:49 pm (UTC)lol...I loved this assessment of Xander. So happy you liked the chapter! =)
no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 08:21 pm (UTC)Again, really glad you've posted more. I love this fic!
no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 08:52 pm (UTC)Xander really is so pretteh.
Willa loves my fic!
:: does the dancing squeee ::
X's and O's
Date: 2004-04-16 09:12 pm (UTC)Re: X's and O's
Date: 2004-04-16 09:23 pm (UTC):: does the Xandoz dance ::
And no, he definitely does not cope well. Our fics are very different, but our characterization of Xander is rather similar in that respect, at least to some degree. Don't you think?
Sleep now. Zzzzzzzzz.
Re: X's and O's
Date: 2004-04-16 10:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 09:52 pm (UTC)I really like thinking back on Oz in the old days and relating how he acted then to now knowing he was into Xander instead of Willow.
Plus, you gave me that tight, painful, angsty feeling in my stomach. You know what I mean: so good it hurts.
I'm looking forward to more. Good luck with the writing.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-17 12:27 pm (UTC):: feels accomplished ::
no subject
Date: 2004-04-17 10:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-17 12:27 pm (UTC):: smooch ::
no subject
Date: 2004-04-20 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-20 06:32 am (UTC)Loved the last chapter of 'Outcasts'. Hopefully I remembered to leave feedback. =P LJ is not sending any comment replies. Erg.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-23 03:24 am (UTC)I also loved the part in the last chapter where Xander sticks his head in the freezer and tries to think of all the reasons why being hot for Oz is a bad idea. So, so funny. And I loved the little S/X hand holding shout out. I'm so all about Spike, it's a sickness. :o)
Can't wait for more!