aimeelicious (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aimeelicious) wrote2004-03-19 11:54 pm
aimeelicious) wrote2004-03-19 11:54 pm
Grace part 6, Oz/Xander
Well, I wrote despite my reluctance. I think I only count three official 'bad fic words' in this installment, and none of them are cold dead seed so hopefully no-one will run screaming. *grin* Again, rated R, post-Chosen, with no mention of AtS 5 expected. Previous parts can be found here.
Paddy was bouncing in his seat with excitement, and Xander was perturbed. That was the third Scrabble game in a row he'd lost. To a twelve-year-old. Clearly there was more to high school English than he had retained. Actually, make that middle school English. Oh hell, he'd never had much of a vocabulary, who was he kidding. The best words he knew he'd learned from Giles anyway. And some of those were in languages he was sure Paddy would never know, if Oz had a say.
"Wanna play again, Xan?" Paddy asked, with unabashed enthusiasm. Of course, Xander might be enthusiastic too, if he were winning. He felt restless though, not sure he could sit through another round. The phone rang, saving him from making an immediate decision as Paddy ran to answer it. Oz was out jogging. Running, he clarified to himself, remembering Oz's bizarre departing statement that the term 'jogging' somehow implied spandex. The weirdness just kept coming.
"Some girl named Willow," Paddy said, as he came back in to the living room and handed over the cordless, unaware he was dropping what amounted to a bomb in Xander's lap. Humming what sounded suspiciously like the 'Sponge Bob Square Pants' theme, he settled down in the recliner with his Gameboy, Scrabble already forgotten.
Xander stared at the phone. He knew he had to talk to her. The past few days of pseudo-domestic harmony were just an illusion. But unlike when he first discovered the reason for this strange trip, or really the lack of one, Xander didn't want answers now. He was enjoying himself, felt almost happy. Even knowing it was only temporary, he still wasn't ready for that bubble to burst.
"Hey Willow."
"Hey yourself!" she answered, in that painfully chipper tone Xander knew she always used when she was nervous.
"So you sent me on a wild goose chase, huh?"
There was silence on the other end of the line, and then the real Willow voice emerged.
"I'm sorry, Xander, I was just so worried and you seemed so sad and I didn't know what else to do but try to get you to take a vacation and Oz said it would be fine if you came out there. I'm sorry I lied, really, and are you having a good time?"
Xander was relieved he'd been listening to Willow for years and knew how to follow along.
"The lying is way uncool, but yeah, it's ok here." He was still angry at the way he'd been tricked, but the edge had dulled now and he could see that she'd forced this little trip out of love and concern. Misguided yes, but she *was* his best friend, and with all the pressure she was under he didn't want to add to her stress.
"Oh I'm so glad, I just knew getting away would be good for you. Everything here is fine," she added hastily, and Xander sighed because that wasn't possible. Nothing had been fine in Cleveland since the remaining gang had moved there. Although he hadn't had to fix as many broken windows, which was a plus.
"More lies are not going to make me feel better, Wills. Tell me the truth."
Willow mirrored his sigh. "Well, Giles had to fly to Japan on Tuesday and there's this new demon we can't identify that took a big bite out of Sandra last night. She's doing ok but I can't get in touch with Buffy either, so the girls are a bit shaken up."
Xander nodded even though he knew Willow couldn't see him. She tried to maintain some semblance of order, but they'd found over time that newly-called Slayers really only responded well to Giles, and sometimes Buffy. Rarely Faith, who was well-intentioned but too intimidating. And it always took a while for a Slayer to warm up to a Watcher before each pair got sent out on their own. Overall the big house in Cleveland was an effective Slayer mill, but without Giles the place tended to go to hell. Not literally of course.
"I should come back and help out," he offered, wondering why the words felt so half-hearted.
"No way, Xander. Look at the strings I had to pull to get you away from here! Don't come back, things will work themselves out." Willow sounded very determined and he found himself smiling, remembering the old 'resolve face' joke.
"Don't remind me of your scheming, it won't win you any brownie points. But I think I will hang out in Oregon for a bit." He looked around, Paddy happily absorbed with his electronic toy, the comfortable living room with its touches of Oz and child. "It pains me to admit that it's nice to take a break."
The sound of satisfaction in Willow's voice was unmistakable. "Good. You stay. I'll call if anything else comes up, ok?"
"Ok. But don't think we won't talk again soon. We still have Oz to discuss." He could hear voices in the background suddenly, as Willow put her hand over the phone and said something he couldn't hear. She came back on the line.
"I have to go, Xander. Love you."
"Love you too, Wills."
He hung up. It had been an unsatisfying conversation, but at least it was over, and he hadn't said anything he'd regret later. Xander slumped down further into the sofa, then glanced up at Oz as he walked in.
"You just missed Willow. She says hi." Of course she hadn't, but it seemed appropriate.
"Cool."
Xander was at a loss for words then, unexpectedly absorbed in the view of Oz flushed and damp from exercising. Oz looked at him quizzically and then lifted his eyebrows slightly as he caught on to Xander's train of thought. The moment was lost as Paddy tore himself away from the video game and got started with his usual run-on sentences. Oz headed towards his room and Paddy followed closely behind, asking him about dinner and if he had to take the bus to school tomorrow. Their voices trailed away and Xander blinked as once again he found himself alone. People were always wandering off around here.
*****************************
There was a knock on his door early the next morning. "You awake?"
"Mmmp...not really, but come on in." Xander sat up in bed, running his fingers through his hair and trying to pretend he hadn't been sound asleep and dreaming about small furry trolls.
"Need a favor. Could you drive Paddy to school? He overslept and missed the bus and I've got to get to work."
Despite wondering when he'd signed on as babysitter in addition to houseguest, Xander could not resist Oz, who looked strangely adorable in a suit even through bleary eyes. "Uh, sure."
"Great. Left my work number on the kitchen table in case you need anything. I'll be home around 5:00. Thanks."
Xander wondered where and what work was for Oz, since they actually hadn't talked about it, but he was gone before Xander had a chance to say anything else. Again. Ok, that was going to have to stop. In the meantime, he had chauffeur duty. After quickly splashing some water on his face and putting on his patch, he got dressed and headed out.
Paddy was strangely subdued this morning, and for some reason it put Xander on edge. He didn't have much experience with kids and although Paddy had been easy enough to get along with over the weekend, the two of them alone in the car now felt mighty awkward. He wasn't sure if he should say anything, ask him if he was ok, or leave him alone. He erred on the side of caution and kept silent, responding only as the boy gave him directions. After dropping him off in front of the school and not getting so much as a thank you or good-bye wave, Xander watched until Paddy was inside the building before driving away. Of course, he didn't remember which turns he'd made to get there and realized that he had no idea how to get back.
Pulling over a few random blocks later, Xander felt the tell-tale signs of a panic attack coming on. He hadn't had one in months, and he had no idea why it was happening now, but it was not going to be good. He carefully parallel parked, which was always a chore with only the one eye to work with, and crawled into the back seat to ride it out.
*********************************
It had been terrible. Huddled under a blanket, now wet in patches from sweat and tears, Xander drew his knees up even closer to his chest until he could hardly breathe. He had no idea how long he'd been curled up on himself like this, but his whole body ached from the tension. His mind was clearing though, and he knew the worst of it was over. Didn't mean he was in any shape to drive, and he mentally kicked himself for not being prepared for this possibility. Back when these incidents were more common he carried a cell with Willow's number set first on speed-dial. But he hadn't even turned the mobile phone on since he got to Oregon, never mind thought to bring it with him this morning. He had fooled himself into thinking he'd gotten past these damn attacks. Stupid fucking Caleb and his stupid fucking thumb.
Weak tears drifted down his face and he could feel them matting his hair even more, but he just didn't care. What had he been thinking, staying out here? The fleeting sensation of happiness had been just that, fleeting. The flirtation with Oz was craziness incarnate. He needed his space, his quiet and familiar apartment, and that place in his mind that was safe. He'd ventured outside those boundaries and was clearly paying the price. As soon as he could...well, open his eyes, figure out where the hell he was, and make his way to Oz's again, he was packing up. And no heartfelt plea was going to hold him back this time.
Paddy was bouncing in his seat with excitement, and Xander was perturbed. That was the third Scrabble game in a row he'd lost. To a twelve-year-old. Clearly there was more to high school English than he had retained. Actually, make that middle school English. Oh hell, he'd never had much of a vocabulary, who was he kidding. The best words he knew he'd learned from Giles anyway. And some of those were in languages he was sure Paddy would never know, if Oz had a say.
"Wanna play again, Xan?" Paddy asked, with unabashed enthusiasm. Of course, Xander might be enthusiastic too, if he were winning. He felt restless though, not sure he could sit through another round. The phone rang, saving him from making an immediate decision as Paddy ran to answer it. Oz was out jogging. Running, he clarified to himself, remembering Oz's bizarre departing statement that the term 'jogging' somehow implied spandex. The weirdness just kept coming.
"Some girl named Willow," Paddy said, as he came back in to the living room and handed over the cordless, unaware he was dropping what amounted to a bomb in Xander's lap. Humming what sounded suspiciously like the 'Sponge Bob Square Pants' theme, he settled down in the recliner with his Gameboy, Scrabble already forgotten.
Xander stared at the phone. He knew he had to talk to her. The past few days of pseudo-domestic harmony were just an illusion. But unlike when he first discovered the reason for this strange trip, or really the lack of one, Xander didn't want answers now. He was enjoying himself, felt almost happy. Even knowing it was only temporary, he still wasn't ready for that bubble to burst.
"Hey Willow."
"Hey yourself!" she answered, in that painfully chipper tone Xander knew she always used when she was nervous.
"So you sent me on a wild goose chase, huh?"
There was silence on the other end of the line, and then the real Willow voice emerged.
"I'm sorry, Xander, I was just so worried and you seemed so sad and I didn't know what else to do but try to get you to take a vacation and Oz said it would be fine if you came out there. I'm sorry I lied, really, and are you having a good time?"
Xander was relieved he'd been listening to Willow for years and knew how to follow along.
"The lying is way uncool, but yeah, it's ok here." He was still angry at the way he'd been tricked, but the edge had dulled now and he could see that she'd forced this little trip out of love and concern. Misguided yes, but she *was* his best friend, and with all the pressure she was under he didn't want to add to her stress.
"Oh I'm so glad, I just knew getting away would be good for you. Everything here is fine," she added hastily, and Xander sighed because that wasn't possible. Nothing had been fine in Cleveland since the remaining gang had moved there. Although he hadn't had to fix as many broken windows, which was a plus.
"More lies are not going to make me feel better, Wills. Tell me the truth."
Willow mirrored his sigh. "Well, Giles had to fly to Japan on Tuesday and there's this new demon we can't identify that took a big bite out of Sandra last night. She's doing ok but I can't get in touch with Buffy either, so the girls are a bit shaken up."
Xander nodded even though he knew Willow couldn't see him. She tried to maintain some semblance of order, but they'd found over time that newly-called Slayers really only responded well to Giles, and sometimes Buffy. Rarely Faith, who was well-intentioned but too intimidating. And it always took a while for a Slayer to warm up to a Watcher before each pair got sent out on their own. Overall the big house in Cleveland was an effective Slayer mill, but without Giles the place tended to go to hell. Not literally of course.
"I should come back and help out," he offered, wondering why the words felt so half-hearted.
"No way, Xander. Look at the strings I had to pull to get you away from here! Don't come back, things will work themselves out." Willow sounded very determined and he found himself smiling, remembering the old 'resolve face' joke.
"Don't remind me of your scheming, it won't win you any brownie points. But I think I will hang out in Oregon for a bit." He looked around, Paddy happily absorbed with his electronic toy, the comfortable living room with its touches of Oz and child. "It pains me to admit that it's nice to take a break."
The sound of satisfaction in Willow's voice was unmistakable. "Good. You stay. I'll call if anything else comes up, ok?"
"Ok. But don't think we won't talk again soon. We still have Oz to discuss." He could hear voices in the background suddenly, as Willow put her hand over the phone and said something he couldn't hear. She came back on the line.
"I have to go, Xander. Love you."
"Love you too, Wills."
He hung up. It had been an unsatisfying conversation, but at least it was over, and he hadn't said anything he'd regret later. Xander slumped down further into the sofa, then glanced up at Oz as he walked in.
"You just missed Willow. She says hi." Of course she hadn't, but it seemed appropriate.
"Cool."
Xander was at a loss for words then, unexpectedly absorbed in the view of Oz flushed and damp from exercising. Oz looked at him quizzically and then lifted his eyebrows slightly as he caught on to Xander's train of thought. The moment was lost as Paddy tore himself away from the video game and got started with his usual run-on sentences. Oz headed towards his room and Paddy followed closely behind, asking him about dinner and if he had to take the bus to school tomorrow. Their voices trailed away and Xander blinked as once again he found himself alone. People were always wandering off around here.
*****************************
There was a knock on his door early the next morning. "You awake?"
"Mmmp...not really, but come on in." Xander sat up in bed, running his fingers through his hair and trying to pretend he hadn't been sound asleep and dreaming about small furry trolls.
"Need a favor. Could you drive Paddy to school? He overslept and missed the bus and I've got to get to work."
Despite wondering when he'd signed on as babysitter in addition to houseguest, Xander could not resist Oz, who looked strangely adorable in a suit even through bleary eyes. "Uh, sure."
"Great. Left my work number on the kitchen table in case you need anything. I'll be home around 5:00. Thanks."
Xander wondered where and what work was for Oz, since they actually hadn't talked about it, but he was gone before Xander had a chance to say anything else. Again. Ok, that was going to have to stop. In the meantime, he had chauffeur duty. After quickly splashing some water on his face and putting on his patch, he got dressed and headed out.
Paddy was strangely subdued this morning, and for some reason it put Xander on edge. He didn't have much experience with kids and although Paddy had been easy enough to get along with over the weekend, the two of them alone in the car now felt mighty awkward. He wasn't sure if he should say anything, ask him if he was ok, or leave him alone. He erred on the side of caution and kept silent, responding only as the boy gave him directions. After dropping him off in front of the school and not getting so much as a thank you or good-bye wave, Xander watched until Paddy was inside the building before driving away. Of course, he didn't remember which turns he'd made to get there and realized that he had no idea how to get back.
Pulling over a few random blocks later, Xander felt the tell-tale signs of a panic attack coming on. He hadn't had one in months, and he had no idea why it was happening now, but it was not going to be good. He carefully parallel parked, which was always a chore with only the one eye to work with, and crawled into the back seat to ride it out.
*********************************
It had been terrible. Huddled under a blanket, now wet in patches from sweat and tears, Xander drew his knees up even closer to his chest until he could hardly breathe. He had no idea how long he'd been curled up on himself like this, but his whole body ached from the tension. His mind was clearing though, and he knew the worst of it was over. Didn't mean he was in any shape to drive, and he mentally kicked himself for not being prepared for this possibility. Back when these incidents were more common he carried a cell with Willow's number set first on speed-dial. But he hadn't even turned the mobile phone on since he got to Oregon, never mind thought to bring it with him this morning. He had fooled himself into thinking he'd gotten past these damn attacks. Stupid fucking Caleb and his stupid fucking thumb.
Weak tears drifted down his face and he could feel them matting his hair even more, but he just didn't care. What had he been thinking, staying out here? The fleeting sensation of happiness had been just that, fleeting. The flirtation with Oz was craziness incarnate. He needed his space, his quiet and familiar apartment, and that place in his mind that was safe. He'd ventured outside those boundaries and was clearly paying the price. As soon as he could...well, open his eyes, figure out where the hell he was, and make his way to Oz's again, he was packing up. And no heartfelt plea was going to hold him back this time.
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Just caught up, and I'm loving this.
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Wow, got philosophical. My excuse is that it's late and I'm very tired. Yeah. =)
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I'm so glad you're reading...hope to get another part up tomorrow before the week starts and RL kicks me in the ass. As it is wont to do on Mondays.
:: hugs ::
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I was psyched to get your comment and know that you're liking the story. I'm finding as I write it that there are more layers than I expected at the start, and it's fun to peel them away, making connections and tying things together. Of course, it looks like there's a long way to go. So many layers it's like Farrah Fawcett hair.
=)
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And of course Oz looks adorable in his suit. Whee!